Journal Of A Girl

My Life as a: mother, wife, woman, girl, human, daughter , sister, granddaughter, niece & cousin... While: thinking, deciding, acting, writing, wanting, needing, finding, regretting, reflecting, loving, hating, feeling, talking, blogging... About Life.

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Valiant Effort

July 19, 2005. The day I truly decided that I would put my heart, soul and mind in to repairing my marriage. Trusting my husband truly meant it when he said, a week before, that it would be hard but he knew he would be able to get over my affair. He didn't want to throw everything all away. He could see us getting over this or through this and becoming better than ever in the future. That there was future for us, a long one.

And so, the valiant effort began.

An entire week of making love. Being present with one another. Meeting each other's emotional needs. Respecting each other. Loving each other. Showing each other how good we once were and see...how good we can be again.

Culminating in our One Day Alone. (sorry don't have time to figure out how to post the link to that entry)

That One Day Alone transpired into almost an entire month of building momentum. Of connecting. Of communicating. Of Loving. Of Fucking. Of Planning.

I began to feel so proud of myself that I chose LOVE. True Love. I was courageous enough to believe. Of course this is what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be with. We had REAL LOVE. I was such an idiot to think otherwise.

Such a huge idiot to even recall that I entertained the idea of being, somehow, with the other man. As smart as I am, or am suppose to be, how could I not see that it was utterly obvious that the other man could not even begin to provide the kind of life for me and therefore my children that I so appreciated from my husband. My husbands innate ability to be a good father and put his children first and foremost in everything he does.

I had even begun to stop thinking about him. I was thoroughly impressed with myself.
What the hell was I thinking?

It is going to be alright. And I am so thankful for it.

We Are Making a Valiant Effort.

How to Blog, How Not To, How I Should

It has become apparent to me that in order to have an effective blog, one must regularly post. And if one is to blog about one's personal life, all information on a constant basis is needed. And one must not censure oneself or write for an audience. That is what I had been doing. My posts were all over the place and a sad attempt at some order. I had been writing for an audience which was counterproductive in the self therapy aspect of blogging.

NO MORE.

From now on, this blog will be my, as it states, Journal. All of the ugly, pathetic, ridiculous details.

And at this point, I don't care who reads it. Even those who are involved in my life.
Trying to keep all these thoughts and feelings tucked away in corners of my brain is not helping me. It is not helping those who read my blog understand really what is going on with me and therefore those people cannot effectively comment on my posts.

Hold on. This may hurt a bit.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Our Day Alone

So his mother showed up at about quarter to eight and we ran out the door.

First we headed to the town North of us for breakfast at Cracker Barrel.

I had bought a really cute teal flowing top and some really tight black capri jean, and ultra high stilletto black sandals. I also bought him a new pair of black boots.

So we were looking ultra cute.

On the way to breakfast we "helped" our appetite by...um.....smoking a fat "cigarrette." We were very hungry by the time we got there. Breakfast was tasty of course and I kept getting compliments on my fabulous top.

After breakfast, we headed south to the shopping area. Once there I gave him instruction to pick up some massage oil and candles. While he was shopping I stopped to get a manicure and a pedicure. So relaxing. So nice to get pampered while I waited for my man to come get me.

He came to pick me up and helped me strap up my stiletto sandals so I wouldn't mess my nails up.

Once again, we were hungry. (wonder why) So we stopped at a resturaunt and had appetizers and cocktails at like 12 noon. So cool. NO kids around.

But we couldn't wait to get out of there. So we sucked down our drinks and headed out.

To the hotel.

Check in.

Strip clothes off.

Sit on top of the desk with just my stilettos on.

Take a hot shower.

Wash each other.

Get on bed.

Fuck. Make Love. Screw. Do it. Lick it. Suck it. Taste it.

Over

and

Over

Stop. Break. Drink.

Fuck. Make Love. Screw. Do it. Lick it. Suck it. Taste it.

Order a "movie"

Watch movie.

Fuck. Make Love. Screw. Do it. Lick it. Suck it. Taste it.

Hot shower again.

Dress.

Oops my shirt is on backwards as we leave the room.
Go back in. Fix my shirt.

Leave.

Go home.

"Oh yes Mama. We talked things over. We are staying together. Thanks for watching the kids, we really needed some time to talk things over and work things out."

If she only knew how naughty we were. She thought we hadn't gotten back together yet. That is the only reason she watched the kids that long. Hey, we have to do what we have to do, right?

Our day alone...heavenly.

Back On The Scene

Sorry....sorry...sorry.

I have been away for a month. Reason being....I was blogging from work and I decided (also big brother) that I shouldn't be surfing or blogging all day.

But I needed to let all my "friends" know that I will be back regularly this week.

Sorry Luke. It's gonna take me days to read all of your posts I missed. Hope all is well.

Queen of Sass, hope all is well with you.

And to everyone else, my bad.

So I will post an update to my One Day Alone post and then be back in a few.

Friday, July 22, 2005

One Day Alone

Finally!

Stephen and I are getting our "break" from the kids tomorrow. Yea!

We had wanted an overnight break but his mother is only going to watch the kids from early in the morning until just before dinnertime. Guess we have to take what we can get. I'll take it.

So I am thinking it is just going to be great, especially with how we have been reconnecting and loving each other more and more everyday this week. It will be a nice ending to a fabulous week. A fabulous week?

More like phenominanal. He has fucked me every night this week.
And oh what fucking it was. I am not as eloquent as Ed (see A perfect Marriage link) is when it comes to describing sex sessions, but let's just say we are thoroughly satisfied in every position, every touch, every taste, every drip, every drop, every pinch, every slap, every lick, every stroke...every night.

This is in part due to our re-commitment to our marriage and each other. But also due to some advice I took form dear ole ED, no clothes allowed in bed.

In case you are wondering if I am some sex crazed, insatiable freak...yes I am.

But this is not the only resson our week has been phenominal. It's the increase in communication. (and Sex is a form of communication) It's the experession of love for one another throughout the day. It's the shared realization that the reason we want the kids to hurry up and get to sleep is to be with one another. It's the rememberance of how we once were and how much better we can make it.

I love my husband. I will until the day I die. And if it takes a lifetime to show him that, I gladly pledge this lifetime and the next to loving him.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

In This Moment

I am so happy that I have had a few visitors to my blog. However, if it is not apparent, my post are not totally sequential to my day to day life. I have been writing a lot of essays about my thoughts and feelings and what is happening in my life. Old school. That's what writers use to do back in the day when they had an opinion or something was on their minds or in their hearts. So when I post certain things, I have usually written them before that day. I have never been good at keeping a long on going diary and this is an attempt at it. I appreciate all the words of encouragement, as it is apparent that I have been having problems in my marriage and with myself. We all need encouragement to get through this life.

Right now though, I would like the record to reflect how I am, In This Moment.

How will I change, morph, evolve?

I asked of myself when I thought the world was crumbling down around me and I alone was its demise and its savior. Thinking what I had done was the sole cause of its destruction yet somehow I alone was to be its salvation.

Superwoman. Karyn White said she was not, but we all often times try to be. At the expense of our time, money, health, family, children, spirit, relationships.

Strong Black Woman. How do you feel about that Adjective?

I feel presure. I feel it is easier said than done. I feel society's use of that term has confused me.
I feel
  • Expectations"
  • .


    The picture of a strong black woman that comes into my head is, perhaps, sterotypical.
    A single mother going to school and working full time. A grandmother who raises her own children and then her grandchildren. A woman who has successfully climbed the corporate ladder, Independent, buying her own house, cars, bling. A woman who doesn't put up with a man who isn't putting in as much as she. "You ain't helping me, so I don't need you. Ba-bye."

    I don't fit any of those profiles. I'm not a single mother. I didn't finish college. I haven't achieved financial or career driven success (I'm certainly no Grandma.) Does that mean I'm not strong?

    I love my husband. And he is an exceptional father. He may not have much and it may be difficualt at times (many times) but this man loves me. I mean really loves me. Our children are so fortuante to have a father like him and it will show throughout their lives.

    Because he hasn't provided the material clout of our culture/society, does that mean I am not strong because I am committed to loving him and receiving his love?

    And that is what got me hemmed up? Thinking that in order to be strong, I had to be superwoman and if I had to be superwoman, what did I need him for? I can do it on my own.

    What about love? Don't ever loose sight of love.

    Love is being together no matter what life throws at us.
    Love is being the only one who knows the hurt I feel from my past.
    Love knows the wounds that others have no idea they have inflicted.
    Love held my hand as I brought life into this world.
    Love handled it when our backs were up against the wall.
    Love gave my child the keys to the world; Love taught my child to read.
    Love forgave me.
    Love held me.
    Love wouldn't let me fall.
    Love loved me again.
    Love let me love him again.
    Love I will forever be.

    I am strong because I didn't give up on love & Love didn't give up on me.

    Love is my strength in all things.

    My God.
    Myself.
    My Marriage.
    My Children.
    My Family.
    My Life.

    Wednesday, July 20, 2005

    Ruin Your Life (Part 1)

    Ruin my life. I hardly imagine that could be possible. What is the definition of "ruin"? Lives aren't ruined; they change through actions that leave a residue of consequence. So, if a life is to be ruined it is only to be changed forever. The only thing constant in life is change. If the definition of ruin is change, then all things are ruined over and over. Changing, morphing, evolving. My life, my loves, myself.

    How is it that a person can convince themselves of an abstract ideology? Faith, the belief in a higher power, is one of those abstract ideologies. Something that cannot be scientifically proven, but just is, based on the convictions of the believer. As this is true for faith, and religions, and the God of your choosing, is it not also true for Love? For love is also something that cannot be scientifically proven, but just is, by the conviction of the believer. However, love, may be the most abstract ideology there is. Religion and God have eveidence and histories that, if not definitively, inconclusively support the faith of their believers. What evidence and histories do we possess that support our love for one another? As love is an element of life, it also is constantly changing, morphing, and evolving.

    How do you love?

    How do you distinguish between friendly love, familial love, romantic love and passionate love?

    Marriage is based on love. Most obvious would be romantic love. But, are all the facades of love needed for a commitment to be made on a solid "foundation"? If all the pieces of the marriage love puzzle are not present, does that dictate the marriage will eventually crumbel due to its un-solidified foundation? All things are possible through love, right? A lacking foundation can be built up, repaired and supported, if necessary by the strengths of its solid features. Marriages that have lasted for many, many years could attest to that rationale. In other times and in other cultures, when marriages are arranged, the best possible hope for the betrothed was that love would eventually develop. Through kindness, respect and a general like for the other person at least one type of love could emerge. Their feelings could change, evolve and grow.

    If for every action, there is an equal and opposite reactions, a marriage foundation would also be able to be weakened, broken and diminished by the weaknesses of its pieces. Bad marriages and divorce is the residue left behind after an unstable foundation.

    How have we survived this long?

    The casual answer is Love. The automatic answer is Love. The kind answer is Love. The real answer is "I don't know." The life that we have struggled so hard to create has taken its toll on both of us. He no longer is the creative artist/musician I met years ago. The man that finally knew he wnated more for his life. I no longer am the confident lady who wanted to be true to herself about all things. I am no longer the youth who was determined not to settle or to let those who didn't even know her dictate the course of her life. She was content to deal with the tediousness of cleaning up the residue of the consequences of her convictions.

    We have changed, morphed, evolved into soemthing I did not forsee or want for my life.

    Now, my eyes see us as roommates...co-workers. Something akin to the forbidden office affair where we would like to be more to each other, but the work of life has taken priority. As it stands, my life reflects the statement that: The raising of my children is the only thing that should be important to me. I seem to be the only one in this office who is fighting, begging, wanting a happiness that comes from something other than this work of Life. My wants and needs have changed, morphed, evolved.

    The things that roll off my tongue when the subject of my marriage is brought up. Things that no longer have the emotion or total truth behind them as they once did.

    "I love him completetly"
    "He is a wonderful husband."
    "We have been married before in past lifetimes."
    "He would never cheat on me. If there is one thing I know for sure, that is it."
    "I am happily married."
    "He's the best I've ever had."
    "If I didn't want to be with him for love, I wouldn't be with him."
    "No, I would never cheat on him. I just wouldn't."

    So, ruin my life. He could not ruin my life, only change it. And that, he has already done. The only unforseen outcome of our actions is to decide how we would go about the business of adapting to the consequences.

    How will I change, morph, evolve?


    {This essay was written at the onset of my inability to continue to endure the deterioration in my marriage, in May 2005}

    Affirmations

    "And I trust that no matter what happens, I will be all right."

    "Failures can be God's little whispers; other times, they are full earthquakes erupting in our lives because we didn't listen to the whispers. Failure is just a way for our lives to show us that we're moving in the wrong direction, that we should try soemthing different. It holds no more power than we give it."

    "I began complaining about something I had agreed to do but that I no longer thought was the best decision for me. In the name of 'keeping my word,' though, I felt I had to trudge through it." And my friend looked at me and said something that honestly no one had ever told me: "Girl, you know you have the RIGHT to change your mind."

    "I have the RIGHT to change my mind."

    "What about honor, committment, staying the course? I had always believed that going back on a promise was something only careless, flaky people did. Yet as strict as I had always been about keeping my word, I often gave it irresponsibly. Trying to be the nice girl, I agreed to do things I later regretted."

    And that led to "cheating both myself and the other person involved. And my intention was to be seen by others as the dependable one, even if that came at a high expense to me personally."

    "You have the RIGHT to choose what is best for yourself NOW - not four years ago or even yesterday. And changing your mind does not mean acting irresponsibly; it's just the opposite. When you honor what you know your spirit is telling you to do, you are making the most conscientious decision, one for which you are willing to accept all the consequences. You understand that when you know better, you ought to do better - and doing better soemtimes means changing you mind; and you realize the letting go of what others think you should do is the only way to reach your full potential.'

    "How much of your life will you have to consume before you can please YOU?"

    "When you allow yousefl to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally blocke youself from living the life you were called to life."

    "What would I do if I weren't afraid of making a mistake, feeling rejected, looking foolish or being alone? Remove the fear, and the answer comes into focus."

    "You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didn't receive."

    "My biggest mistakes in life have all stemmed from giving my power to someone else - believing that the love others had to offer was more important than the love I had to give myself."

    Ruin (Part 2)

    Ruin. The word rings with accuracy when the residue is too dirty...too sticky...too painful to be dealt with easily. We curse the law of karma tha we believe has shattered our mind's reasoning of the justification of our actions. The outcome of these actions then appears to be unneccessary, avoidable and an end to what was meant to be.

    Change. The nicer...cleaner description of the consequences of our actions. We invoke the powers of destiny and pray to the fates with our offergs of tears when we wish to believe the outcome was necessary, unavoidable and meant to be.

    Do we blame the laws of fate that insisted on taking us through the valley of hardship and pain, forcing us to climb the mountain of struggle in order to see our destined future from the summit of triumph? Are we then thankful?

    Or do we simply blame ourselves, the ignorance of our reasoning, and the implusiveness of our actions? Are we then cursed?

    The journey of life is a series of questions and answers. Answers are the decisions that we make or allow others to influence. Each answer of decsion is made at a fork in the road thus propelling us down one path or another. At times our decison to travel one path instead of another leads to a series of situations that force us to make more and more choices. Thv beauty of life is that a series of bad choices can ultimately lead you back to the original question. Making it obvious that your choices have not carried you further on your journey but have stalled you until the lesson is learned. The importance of our lessons is that they are the tools we use in life. They can only be acquired through our lessons, choices and answers. Because there always is a choice, the tool we utilize can be either helpful or hindering.

    Once you have a tool that is found out to be hinderieng...you experience regret. Regret that you should have made a different decision. Realization that the outcome you desired ws not what came to be. A wish, in the back of your mind, of how you would do things differently if you had the chance. A promise that you would, if the question ever came across your path again. The irony is that Regret is the lesson and tool that you must acquire in order to weigh the questions of your life with more reverence than you preivously had. This is what makes it possible to make the future choices of our lives with clarity and purpose.

    YOUTH

    Youth. What is it out to prove? That you can indeed make your own huge mistakes. Damn the deeding of those before you. Your mistakes would be different. Blinded by the false sense of immortality that is a staple of youth and the false hope that you will indeed be better than those before you. This is why their warnings were not listened to. And once the reality of mortality is clear. The acceptance of only being human and flawed and regretful becomes apparent. And the hope to be better is replaced with the hope to do the best you can. The humbling reflections of yourself as no better than any other man or woman becomes a heavy burden. Youth had wings. Youth was blind. Youth was better than experience. Youth was cockiness rather than humbleness. Youth betrayed you. Because it was the last piece of the authentic you that was visible, tangible, audible. Experience redefineS the depths of your authentice self. They teach you lessons that could... should inevitabley direct where you are to go in life and how you are going to get there. If only we could have the wisdom of our experience before the invincibility of our youth is dispelled could we more directly find out place in life and our purpose.

    Tuesday, July 19, 2005

    A Perfect Marriage (or close to it)

    Hot damn! This is what I'm talking about! Hell Yeah!

  • A Perfect Marriage
  • Monday, July 18, 2005

    Have I Ever...?

    Have I ever...

    Snuck out of the house: Yes several times as a teenager. Most times for a boyfriend who lived down the street. The weird part is, I've also snuckk others into the house. Teenagers are completetly insane. I never got caught, if I did, I'd be dead now.

    Gotten lost in your city: Well if is very easy to get lost in DC.

    Seen a shooting star: Don't think so, but I need to look to the heavens more.

    Been to any other countries: lived in the phillipines while my dad was staioned there when i was little

    Gone out in public in your pajamas: College. To the cafeteria and those dreadful 8am classes

    Kissed a stranger: Plenty. Internet age.

    Hugged a stranger: Probably

    Been in a fist fight: only schoolyard stuff 2x

    Been arrested: Yes
    Pushed all the buttons on an elevator: Yes

    Swore at your parents: He put his hands on me

    Been in love: Yes Probably still am - if not totally...I will be again. I just need to remember.

    Been close to love: Yes
    Been to a casino: No & I need to

    Skipped school
    Only for good reasons... Like going
    shopping, to the movies, getting hair done, relaxing

    Seen a therapist: am suppose to but I don't think overthinking and analyzing is going to help

    Done the splits: Yes

    Bitten someone: Only in good ways.

    Gotten the chicken pox: see Expectations of a Girl blog,
    Childhood entry.

    Kissed a member of the opposite sex
    Of course
    Been to Japan: No, studied Japanese for 6 years though.
    (X) Ridden in a taxi

    Been dumped: Actually, no one was ever "with" me to dump me. Gotten played a lot.And how!!
    (X) Shoplifted: If u let it it will become a habit and i was a struggling college student with inattentive parents. And i have been hungry enough to do it too.
    that's my excuse.
    Been fired:Nope

    Had a crush on someone of the same sex: Plenty of times.

    (X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back: Yes

    Gone on a blind date: internet dates

    Lied to a friend: yes

    Had a crush on a teacher: No

    Been to Europe: No, but is one of my life's dreams

    Slept with a co-worker: No

    Been married: Yes. Still Am. Good.

    Gotten divorced: No, thankfully it hasn't come to that. And hopefully never will

    Had children: 3 angels (i use the term loosely at this stage) Ericka Nicole, 5 going on 25. Stephen Xavier, 2, musical genius. Sydney Miro, 1, the. baby

    Had a close friend die:" Best friends's baby dies of SIDS

    Been to Africa: No, but another life dream

    Been to Canada: Not so much a life dream but would like to.

    (X) Been on a plane

    Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
    Bits and pieces

    Thrown up in a bar: No but at a party. One the side of the road

    Eaten sushi: only the non fish kind. Just rice and egg and seaweed

    Been skiing

    Met someone in person from the internet:
    Several. A few sexual encounters with men, some with women, and some with couples. I am a very naughty girl.

    And I met my husband on the internet. the internet is a very dangerous thing.

    Lost a child: No thank God.

    Gone to college: Elon College
    Graduated college: Nope.
    Fired a gun: Nope. Want to.

    Purposely hurt yourself: Emotionally, probably.

    Pain killers: I've had 3 kids. Of course.